"Sometimes You Have to be Reckless"

Today I woke up at 4:30am to go to the filming location for the school shooting video. I got my hair and makeup done by 7:00, and at 9:00 I was in position for filming. It was intense (if you want to hear about it you can private message me, it was insane, but as it was based on Columbine I want to be respectful to the family and friends of those students). I was transferred a lot, and I was the first to be ‘shot’ so I was the main actor that they relied on for screaming and crying. It was really tiring and I had to be transported to a lot of different locations in a lot of different ways! None-the-less it made me really want to be an actress.

I finished the shoot at around 1:00pm and then I got in the car on the way to the Andrew McMahon concert. I stepped in the car and my mom said, ‘Your doctor would not be happy with you.’ She doesn’t care what I do, but I realized that if it were up to my doctors, all of the best days of my life would never have happened. They value salvaging as much of your body as possible instead of embracing what you have and using what you do have. I’d rather use every last bit of strength than sit at home and practice ‘good body mechanics’ or whatever. If I want to dance and scream at a rock concert I’m going to do it because I’m alive.

Well anyway, at 6:30 we began waiting to see my hero, Andrew McMahon. The only person that I know who can make rock songs talking about pain killers, doctors, and reasons to keep fighting, as well as rock songs about his new baby or his amazing wife. I’ve never had someone that has helped me shape something as important as my will to keep living through trauma and pain. Through every blood draw, line placement, infusion (also vomiting in bedpans kinda goes along with infusions), procedure, and general difficulty that I’ve come across I’ve listened to his music.

He’s so honest, yet he isn’t focused on either the positives or negatives. He’s focused on the fact that you need to keep breathing and living and let stuff be. I like that. It’s honest and real and genuine.

So I struggled to stand but I screamed every word to every song. Especially ‘The Resolution’.

Yeah I’m alive
But I don’t need a witness
To know that I’ve survived
I’m not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

I found my Resolution through taking risks and doing what I want to do with my life. Playing it safe is boring, I’d rather live fully.

~Emily [update]

(via my-crazy-insane-life)

Major Tom (Coming Home) (1983) (Peter Schilling)

The Resolution (2013) (Jack’s Mannequin) [buy]

(Source: Spotify)

"The Old Lizard"

In the parched path
I have seen the good lizard
(one drop of crocodile)
With his green frock-coat
of an abbot of the devil,
his correct bearing
and his stiff collar,
he has the sad air
of an old professor.
Those faded eyes
of a broken artist,
how they watch the afternoon
in dismay!

Is this, my friend,
your twilight constitutional?
Please use your cane,
you are very old, Mr. Lizard,
and the children of the village
may startle you.
What are you seeking in the path,
my near-sighted philosopher,
if the wavering phantasm
of the parched afternoon
has broken the horizon?

Are you seeking the blue alms
of the moribund heaven?
A penny of a star?
Or perhaps
you’ve been reading a volume
of Lamartine, and you relish
the plateresque trills
of the birds?

(You watch the setting sun,
and your eyes shine,
oh, dragon of the frogs,
with a human radiance.
Ideas, gondolas without oars,
cross the shadowy
waters of your
burnt-out eyes.)

Have you come looking
for that lovely lady lizard,
green as the wheatfields
of May,
as the long locks
of sleeping pools,
who scorned you, and then
left you in your field?
Oh, sweet idyll, broken
among the sweet sedges!
But, live! What the devil!
I like you.
The motto ‘I oppose
the serpent’ triumphs
in that grand double chin
of a Christian archbishop.

Now the sun has dissolved
in the cup of the mountains,
and the flocks
cloud the roadway.
It is the hour to depart:
leave the dry path
and your meditations.
You will have time
to look at the stars
when the worms are eating you
at their leisure.

Go home to your house
by the village of the crickets!
Good night, my friend
Mr. Lizard!

Now the field is empty,
the mountains dim,
the roadway deserted.
Only, now and again,
a cuckoo sings in the darkness
of the poplar trees.

~Federico García Lorca [Lysander Kemp, translator] [buy]

I Don’t Love Anyone (2013) (Belle & Sebastian)

FIFA World Cup (2014) (Banksy)

FIFA World Cup (2014) (Banksy)

The Night We Called It a Day (1997) (Charlie Haden & Chris Anderson) [buy]

(Source: Spotify)

A poor — torn heart — a tattered heart —
That sat it down to rest —
Nor noticed that the Ebbing Day
Flowed silver to the West —
Nor noticed Night did soft descend —
Nor Constellation burn —
Intent upon the vision
Of latitudes unknown.

~Emily Dickinson

Little Drummer Boy (1981/2014) (Boney M.)

(via actuallygrimes)